fan...

hmmm, dunno lei..
tuis wk end is relatively "free-er" in e sense that there is no test tis wk,,
why fan lei? i oso dunno..
so many things in my mind..

esp NOC ba..
recently,, gt more briefings n stuffs to settle for NOC.
i always question myself.. how much do i reali want to go for this?
i can't seem to convince myself totally lei..

NOC seems to be a great opportunity.. tat;s wat everyone says..
but somehow many ppl seems to see gg US as more desirable..
hmmmm.. i am someone who is usually affected by wat others tink n say..
mebe esp when 4 other chem eng r gg to US, bio valley.. i do feel a bit inferior..

i stil rem last yr after i went for interview.. e first round of interview..
i met a senior n he say as a matter of factly..
"actully, i dun tink u will get in, those who r gg are all v zai de.."
althou at that time.. i was influenced by plong n zs to go for e interview.. together we talk abt how gd it would be if we get in.. blah blah n blah..
but.. e blunt n candid comment of a senior i really respect.. did affect me greatly..
til now.. i keep questioning myself.. am i gd enuff?

during e briefing.. prof teo talk abt e expectations of NOC students.. talked abt e achievements of e ppl who went there..
am i reali wonder if i can cope.. ful time intern.. den study part-time...
gt to take care of myself.. myself..
ok.. mebbe gt to stay wif a few "fren-to be"
yeah.. i dunno e rest at all.. e other 15 who r gg..
even for e other 4 gg BV.. when i talk to them.. they gif me a feeling that they r more superior.. coz i was in NOC since last sem.. early applicant.. they onli gt in tis sem.. i noe more abt e program details.. after all i had done research on it.. but they dun seem to believe wat i say. ok lor. by all means.. to tink i was so happy n relieved to see ppl in tis prog fm chem engin wif me.. but i guess.. they nvr give me e "qin-qie gan" that i was yearning for..

haha.. ya lor.. tat;s me..
thou some may think i appear rather independent..
but i am afterall.. someone.. nt yet 21.. siomeone who had nt travel b4.. someone who dunno wat i want..
gg for tis.. means taking a big step... at least to me lah..

when frenz ask me abt NOC.. i reali dunoo wat to say.
i always have to repeat.. i dun like to say much,,
wat if.. in e end..i nvr go?

as in.. now is e period when we wait for interviews lah.. if evrything goeson smoothly..
as in if i managed to get intern b4 15 jun..
den go medical chk up..
den apply visa
and scholarship
.. den off i go..
when i leaving? i dunno.. depends on e company..
wat will i be doing? i duno.. depends oso..
when will i grad? i dunno.. depends on howi can map e modules when i am back..
wat if i dun get e scholarship?
wat if i go there.. den company fold down?

on one hand. i have so many uncertainties.. n doubts n worries..
gg alone for sth i am nt sure abt..
i noe.. when i am back. things will be diff..
i will be missing out alot..
frens here.. family.. everything here..

on e other hand.. i have to convince my family.. that i can do it..

they always ask.."hey, u really want to go ah?"

my mum always ask"who is going with you? you gt frenz gg ah?"

my dad would say "yi ge ren.. must take care of yrslef..muz wait one yr den can come back.. "

my mum would go on.. "yi ge ren, v xinku de,, where will u stay? wat will u be doing? when going? wat company? stay wif who? reali gona study at fudan? one yr ah.. so long.. actuly.. can't say long.. can;t say short oso..

my sis used to keep sayin "dun go lah.. go for wat? wa. u go le.. i'll be alone.. one yr so long.."
den i ask her back.. "when u say all these.. have u reali considered wat it is? have u consideered fm my pt of view? u tink i go for fun ah? nvr even tink properly.. onli ask me to dun go.. do u now how important a decision it is for me?"
fm den on.. she nvr comment le.. as in nvr say dun go..
but she nvr ask me to go oso..onli say.. "so u really going ah?"

to go or nt to go..
i guess rite now.. i wun juz take it as wat it is..
see if i gt intern..
if yes .. i go..
if nt.. i dun go..

hopefully.. it would be a right decision..